Alan Simpson's Tits

One time I was about 10 inches from Alan Simpson. I believe it must have been 1988, Des Moines, at a Republican presidential debate. He was there, apparently not in the debate but in attendance.

I was standing outside waiting to get in and he was right there by me. I saw him 360 degrees, or most of the 360. Certainly I saw that it was him, up close. Then, and this is what I want to get to, I saw him from behind.

When I saw him from behind I saw something that I've never forgotten. It's etched in my memory. I saw he had reddish hair and that it was very loose. Even though it was neatly combed, it was cut straight across at the bottom by his neck. And when he talked or laughed it jiggled back and forth very vigorously.

That's what I think of whenever I hear about Alan Simpson.

Now he's in the news again, saying Social Security is like a cow with 310 million tits. There was a reporter on TV, MSNBC, and of course they're reluctant to say tits on TV. She was saying he was talking about "a female body part," and that when you refer to cows it has to be "teats."

Yeah? Well, that's crap. Because language doesn't have that kind of rules. I've heard cow's udders called tits a million and one times. That's the way language works, based on how people actually talk. And Simpson had it exactly right. He wasn't referring to a female body part (in the sense of women), but a cow's milk spiggots, which, yes, are called teats, tits, udders, and there's probably other words for it.

It sounds almost Hindu, a cow with 310 million tits. Way to go, Alan!