The Displeased Parent Motif

When it comes to member care, aren't there supposed to be various amenities to keep me happy, contented, and willing to keep tweeting?

Even if it's something as worthless as an "Attaboy" or participation certificate, at least it's something to tell my Mom about. A gold star?

She's sitting in a nursing home waiting for me to visit. But she's going to remain very lonely indeed until I have something to show her.

I told her the other day I had a thousand followers. When the actual number is somewhere under 100. If she finds out it'll break her heart.

She doesn't have that much to live for anyway, just the pride she has in her boy's achievements. Which hasn't been much to hang her life on.

A little bit of sympathy would be nice, at least, in the absence of something tangible I could present, like documentation of my success.

Consider this a cry for help, not so much for me, because I'm young, I can afford to fail. But she's old, feeble, drawing her last breath.

And at this point I don't expect she'll take my word for it. I'm going to need a printout, a screenshot, something notarized, very official.

One of my followers is trying to save an old building, a museum. Name a room after me, a shelf, anything, just so it makes the nightly news.

The dbkundalini Memorial Shelf, on which we place trinkets from 1716, stuff almost 300 years old, doilies, Dolly Madison's underpants.

Dear Mother, I'm going to Israel, the holy land like you always wanted me to. I'm investing all your money in orange trees. Wish me luck.

Isn't that something from 'Ulysses'? Correct me if I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong, because then I'll own the very valuable copyright on it.

Thank you. The Displeased Parent motif if very important to our psyches and literature. And I've been happy to explore it with you.

Gas Prices: All In Your Mind

President Bush at his news conference said this about offshore drilling:

"I readily concede it won't produce a barrel of oil tomorrow, but it will reverse the psychology."

That's right. Bush is fully on board with McCain and Gramm that the nation's problems are all mental, psychological. Just rearrange the deck chairs -- maybe break out the Feng Shui book -- and the sinking ship will seem OK. Oh yes, and everyone please clap harder!

America on McCain's Couch

Looking for a good shrink? Want to participate in a psychological experiment? Maybe you too can be a rat in McCain's maze! Our problems aren't out there, you see, but in here, in our thoughts and mental delusions.

"Vee needs to go -- how you zay it? -- deep into our psyches for zis one, yah? Zee what's zere!" And then we'll find out there's nothing wrong with America that a little counseling wouldn't fix, according to John McCain and his economics adviser Phil Gramm.

You feel like you have The Economy Went South Blues? Let's talk. When did you start feeling this way? "Well, doc, it's like this. They shipped my job overseas, the cost of gas went way up, my house is mortgaged up the ying-yang, I can't make my payments. I send my kids to the store to take pennies out of the cup by the cash register. Things just aren't going well!" What you need to do, my friend, is first, quit whining. Your problem is what we call "psychological." It's like your Ego's in a steel-cage death match with your Id, and your Super Ego just hasn't shown up yet with a board to whack him.

How about you, ma'am? What seems to be your problem? You say you can't afford groceries? That you're reduced to visiting food pantries and digging under rocks for something to mix with the Hamburger Helper? Your children are collecting for UNICEF, for themselves? The answer to your problem, again, is that this is a "psychological" condition. First, stop whining about it. Food is vastly overrated anyway. Have you ever noticed that you ate a couple days ago, then yesterday, then you only want to eat again today? This is what we call "a chain of dependency." You've become dependent on food, and so have the dependents who live with you; they are co-dependents. Perhaps a visit to a local self-help group -- Eaters Anonymous -- would help you deal with these issues and break this vicious cycle.

It's easy! America's problems can be easily solved, because, according to John McCain and Phil Gramm, it's just a matter of talking it out, seeing that the problem lies with you and you alone, and then addressing it at the psychological level.

Whatever it is, the imaginary recession, seemingly high gas prices, the so-called deficit, even the purported war in Iraq, it's all just in your mind. You think the issues are there so they're there. But if you think they're gone, poof, your problem's solved!