America on McCain's Couch

Looking for a good shrink? Want to participate in a psychological experiment? Maybe you too can be a rat in McCain's maze! Our problems aren't out there, you see, but in here, in our thoughts and mental delusions.

"Vee needs to go -- how you zay it? -- deep into our psyches for zis one, yah? Zee what's zere!" And then we'll find out there's nothing wrong with America that a little counseling wouldn't fix, according to John McCain and his economics adviser Phil Gramm.

You feel like you have The Economy Went South Blues? Let's talk. When did you start feeling this way? "Well, doc, it's like this. They shipped my job overseas, the cost of gas went way up, my house is mortgaged up the ying-yang, I can't make my payments. I send my kids to the store to take pennies out of the cup by the cash register. Things just aren't going well!" What you need to do, my friend, is first, quit whining. Your problem is what we call "psychological." It's like your Ego's in a steel-cage death match with your Id, and your Super Ego just hasn't shown up yet with a board to whack him.

How about you, ma'am? What seems to be your problem? You say you can't afford groceries? That you're reduced to visiting food pantries and digging under rocks for something to mix with the Hamburger Helper? Your children are collecting for UNICEF, for themselves? The answer to your problem, again, is that this is a "psychological" condition. First, stop whining about it. Food is vastly overrated anyway. Have you ever noticed that you ate a couple days ago, then yesterday, then you only want to eat again today? This is what we call "a chain of dependency." You've become dependent on food, and so have the dependents who live with you; they are co-dependents. Perhaps a visit to a local self-help group -- Eaters Anonymous -- would help you deal with these issues and break this vicious cycle.

It's easy! America's problems can be easily solved, because, according to John McCain and Phil Gramm, it's just a matter of talking it out, seeing that the problem lies with you and you alone, and then addressing it at the psychological level.

Whatever it is, the imaginary recession, seemingly high gas prices, the so-called deficit, even the purported war in Iraq, it's all just in your mind. You think the issues are there so they're there. But if you think they're gone, poof, your problem's solved!