John McCain Didn't Love America?

I'm what you might call a patriot. I was born in a country. And because it was the country I was born in, I love it. And I know there isn't any better place. I've always knowed that.

I've lived in this country ever since I was born here, and I ain't never lived no place else. You could say I love where I was born with all my heart. Do you know what it's like to love your country with all your heart? It's like this -- you don't take kindly to anybody who don't also love her the same way that you do. And -- I dunno -- I get kinda steamed up around the neck and ears, the cheeks and gums, and I'd just like to kick the crap out of 'em...

When a man loves his country and lives in his country, he knows it's the best place on earth. Nobody has to teach him!

Now, just in case you don't know where I'm talkin' about -- you must be kinda dumb -- I'm talking about America, buddy. That's the land I love and I'm proud of. There ain't no other.

Anyway, I'm sittin' here lookin' at the Hazzard County paper for Friday, and I'm seein' a big old picture of a leftist pinko by the name of John McCain. How do I know that's what he is? Well, first, I can just tell one. I got the spirit. I know how to do lots of things. I can "smell" when the fish are bitin'. I don't look in the almanac. I've got my "Love It or Leave It" bumper sticker on Ole Betsy, my truck, and I can tell things by that. If one of them hippies or pinkos or commies turns up his nose, or maybe looks at it cross-eyed, or crosses by on the other side of the road, I know I got me one. Time for kickin'.

But now, what do I see in the paper today? Only that John McCain says, "I didn't really love America until I was deprived of her company." I need to read that again, real slow like, I mean slower than usual. He did-not-REALLY love America? So what was he doin' all that time? He must've been just sayin' he loved America, but in his heart he had a hatred, a despite, like some of them hippie critters. I'm tellin' you, any man don't love America ain't fit to be my commander and chief, simple!

Oh, he says, he had to be "deprived of her company," he says, before he decided that maybe he could bear down and find it in his puny little selfish heart to love America. Huh! That's no man I could vote for. If you're born there, you gotta love her! You just gotta love her, no questions asked. What'd they teach that boy when he was growin' up, that your own country is a place you don't love till you get around to it? Pitch pennies all day and salute the flag if you ain't too tired to raise your arm? He took to his mama the first time he was thirsty, didn't he? Every filthy animal knows enough to do that! You don't gotta be taught! But John McCain didn't love America till he one day he found himself deprived. That sounds like somethin' ... from France.

But, as everybody knows, I was already lookin' askance at McCain. Everybody knows I was for Tom Tancredo right along. And Jim Dobson for vice. Gettin' John McCain is like goin' to the prom dance with the high school queen, then wakin' up next to your neighbor's goat. It might do in a pinch but you hate to be seen with it.

I already knew there was somethin' wrong with McCain anyway, when me and the boys saw in the paper how he treated his first old lady. Now there's somethin'. He was deprived of his first old lady's company and came back home and didn't love her at all! That's when he took up with this new filly -- what's the little heifer's name, Cindy? -- sin he did! She's got some looks all right -- neck down. But she's a hard lookin' woman. If I had her features in my toolbox I could cut glass and fix every broken window in the county! He dumped the other gal -- she was crippled up like Aunt Agnes, but old Uncle Cy kept her around; she could still cook, once you got her situated at the stove.

Hey, let me get on out of here. I got a honey-do list a mile long to take care of. I've got a whole sack full of cats to drown. And after that the rest of it ain't much fun.

But everybody knows around these parts that I love America. Like I said, I was born here. And this is most likely where they're gonna bury me. And I can't vote for any man -- any fool -- who stands up and trash talks her like that. McCain saying he didn't love America? There's somethin' wrong with that boy...